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13 Things To fix About The NFL

NFL, Assholes, Endorsements

2017-10-08 • 13 Things


13 things to fix about the NFL

1. Assholes that forget they play a kid's game

I do not have to tell you how many assholes are in professional sports. The N.F.L. is no exception. Hell there are assholes in all walks of life. I am not talking about "the jerk". I am talking about the asshole who has no clue how much of an asshole they are in real life.

There is plenty of levels of asshole in the N.F.L. for us to put under the microscope. Here are my asshole levels of the N.F.L. to compare future players.

N.F.L. Asshole Level
  1. Johnny Manziel (Partier) He was an alcoholic spoiled child.
  2. Cam Newton (Entitled POS) This guy wins the "My Mom Thinks I Am Cool" Award. Everyone ense remembers him as the dick that threw the laptop out the window that he stole.
  3. Richard Sherman (Trash Talker) He is notorious for the Michael Crabtree rant. We all can be this mouthy if you have Earl Thomas covering your mistakes.
  4. Warren Sapp (Full of Himself Hooker Lover) Actual rules to be around Sapp.
    • "-Don't look Warren in the eyes (seriously).
    • -Introduce yourself, but DO NOT try to befriend him.
    • -Call him Warren. NEVER call him "Sapp."
  5. Richie Incognito (Hazing Prick) Bully.
  6. Adam "Pacman" Jones (Addicted to Being Arrested) He hit a player with a cheap shot to the head, gave him a concussion, and mocked him in the media.
  7. Peyton Manning (Immature sexual assaulter) He sexually assaulted a female trainer in college.
  8. Greg Hardy (Assault on a Women) This asshole body slammed a woman onto a bed covered in guns.
  9. Adrian Peterson (Child Abuser) Spanked 4 year old with a switch. He belongs in the "it's okay to beat kids" 1950's.
  10. Ben Roethlisberger (Sexual Assault) Took advantage of drunk girls in multiple states.
  11. Michael Vick (Dog Killer) He trained and killed dogs so people could gamble. Online poker was too complicated for this bunch of brainiacs.
  12. Darren Sharper (Rape Specialist) Bill Cosby is the Darren Sharper of comedy.
  13. O.J. Simpson (Pariah) He killed his wife and spent years in prison for kidnapping and attempting to steal his own stuff.
  14. Rae Carruth/ Aaron Hernandez (Murderers) League of their own. Both can rot in hell.

There are other pieces of shit in this league. The N.F.L. need to start to treat minor offenses with harsher penalties. They are dragging out a domestic violence case with Dallas Cowboys running back Zeke "I Can't Read" Elliot the same way as if balls lacked air. Send him packing. You beat a woman, you don't get drafted. Joe Mixon was caught on videotape knocking out a woman. He dropped to the 2nd round. He should be trying to get a job he is not qualified for at Home Depot.


2. Bad games being the only ones televised

Today, I was forced to watch the Eagles and Cardinals. This is the only game on. My choice was to watch this crap or watch another Harry Potter Marathon on Free Form Channel. I love me some Harry Potter movies, but another choice of football would have been better.


Put more games on television. Your ratings are down because of a lack of selection. More people are watching the Harry Potter movies instead of a bad matchup. The sunday night game is a good match up so we all watch it. Give us a choice for the early games and viewership will increase.


3. Not suspending players

Company policies force people to watch how they act away from work. They even monitor your social media posts. You can be fired for your actions.

The N.F.L. fines players amounts of money that are ridiculous to normal working people. But do nothing to stop their bad habits. Hit them with game checks. Not playing will straighten them out just like it would if a nun spanking then with a ruler.

4. Fines that don't curb the behavior

The fines need to be bigger. Suspensions and game checks are the only way to get them to understand how lucky they are.

5. Non-guaranteed contracts

The average length expectancy of an NFL career is 3.3 years. These people train their whole lives to get a huge payday to pay back all the people that sacrificed to get them to the NFL. In the three years, there's no guarantee That they'll get paid for the entire time. Most of these players will get cut and get paid nothing after the first year. This means they were not there long enough to get a pension or healthcare.

The violent nature of the sport surpasses any of the other major league sports. The NHL in itself is violent but nothing compared to football. Receiving only a couple hundred grand for a lifetime of disabilities. The first three years of the rookie contract should be guaranteed. The lifetime of healthcare should be provided to cover any ailments relating to the game of football.


6. Sideline reporters

This is not a commentary to rival the sexist remarks of one Cam Newton about women talking about football. This is a commentary about having reporters shove microphones in the face of the coaches before and after halftime. The answers to these questions rarely give any insight that you could not already guess. These coaches could get away with writing prepared statements before the season started and make the reporter choose the appropriate comment card for the situation. Use prepared statement "C" for "we fumbled the ball too many times".

The part of this section that is sexist is they usually give the task asking redundant asinine questions to the pretty girl. They are not always pretty girls, there is Todd McShay, Bruce Feldman, and Tom Luginbill to set this quotient correct. The problem is these women have gone to respectable schools of journalism to be given the task of asking a pissed off head coach why the quarterback threw an interception. No amount of personal dignity should be sacrificed to take this career path. These women are better than that.


7. Reviews

The reviewing of plays is getting out of hand.


8. Cliches

They all need to be retired. For a list, Read this Wikipedia page.


9. Wearing jerseys in commercials

You should never use an athlete to push your product that no one can recognize. The point of having a a celebrity is to get a recognizable face to hock your product. If they have to wear a name tag or their jersey to tell people who they are, you should save your money. Use this money to hire a better ad firm.





10. Pace of the game

Your average beginning to a N.F.L. Game

  • Pre Game ...commercial break
  • Introduction with Play-by-play person ...commercial break
  • Introduction of color commentator person ...commercial break
  • Coin toss ...commercial break
  • Anthem ...commercial break
  • Picture of stadium ...commercial break
  • Show the Owner in Box ...commercial break
  • "Here comes the Kick off" ...commercial break
  • Ball falls off tee ...commercial break
  • Kick off ...commercial break
  • Touch back ...commercial break
  • Shot of QB talking to coach ...commercial break
  • First down ...commercial break
  • This goes on for 3 1/2 hours ...commercial break


11. They are raping their fans wallets

The average working man can't afford to to take his family to the game. Parking at the Seattle Seahawks is more than $45 to be anywhere near the stadium. The other lots are sketchy. It is an unlit industrial area surrounding the stadium. Movies are made about people getting killed in areas like the parking lots around the Seahawks playing field. And your are shit out of luck to get security to walk you to these cheaper lots.

The NFL needs to get their greed in check. At least they gave up the tax exempt status they have had since 1942. Now pay for your own stadiums.


12. The product sucks

Yes, these are some of the best athletes in the world. I will not deny this fact. However, when you add the assholes, greed, too many advertisements and slow pace of the game, you end up with a product that is only good for background noise while we bitch about the skyrocketing price of the Girl Scout's thin mints. Give me the college game any day.


13. They hate the Lions

"When is it a catch?" The rule is referred to the Calvin Johnson rule. 'nuff said. Stop coming up with obscure rules to screw this franchise.

Changes Needed: Honorable Mentions
  • Fantasy Football - Dungeons & Dragons with Professional Athletes
  • Thursday Night Games? - I'll take the Tulsa Vs. Memphis college game over NFL players going through the motions
  • Throwback uniforms - Every time the Steelers wear those a gay fashion designer dies
  • Tony Romo in the booth? - Who made this decision must have been doing cocaine with the Dolphins OL coach.
  • Games in London? -The Brits come to se us play rugby wrong and drink pints at noon.
  • Why did you give Cleveland a team again?
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